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The Blog of Uwe Bay Emmerich: World's Greatest Director!

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The Blog of Uwe Bay Emmerich: World's Greatest Director!

Hello, beloved fans; and people without taste in movies! This is Uwe Bay Emmerich here; director of such awesome films as Saint Patrick's Day, Movie Movie, Gamera (1998), In the Name of the Dots: A Pac-man Tale, and the live action adaptation of Gobots.

I would like to discuss my newest project with you all: a movie adaptation of Fate/Stay Night! What is Fate/Stay Night you ask? Some Japanese "visual novel" with explosions and people dying; and lots of sex. It's made by some Japanese guy called Natu or some silly Japanese name like that. But don't worry, it won't have school girls getting violated by tentacle monsters (unlike every other Japanese thing ever, amirite?).

Well, the movie won't anyway. The visual novel probably has tentacles at some point since it's hentai; and all hentai has tentacles at some point since that's how they think in japan. I say probably cause I never finished the damned thing. I mean, I was going to finish it, but it's so LONG AND BORING! Like I give a crap about Shirou not having self-sense or whatever; or Saber's past. So I watched the movie instead. I couldn't really tell what was going on since it was in Japanese and I hate reading subtitles; but the explosions were cool!

I know alot of you are already bitching about how "horrible" this movie is going to be like you bitched about my FUCKING AWESOME Pac-man movie, as well as my Gobots and Gamera adaptations. Well....FUCK YOU PEOPLE! I'LL FIGHT YOU! I'LL FIGHT YOU ALL!

Also, if you think about it; the people who aren't going to love this movie are horrible people anyway. I mean, the "real" VN players are the online download crowd. Those people are not only pirates; but are also responsible for downloading horrible, Japanese, tentacle porn. Thus, true fans of F/SN are horrible pedophiles with a tentacle fetish. Why would I make a movie that those sick bastards are going to enjoy?

For those of you who have taste in movies and are thus excited for this, I assure you that it's going to be awesome! We have got an All Star cast lined up for your enjoyment:

* Arnold Schwartzenegger in a role that seems made just for him: that of Shinji Matou!

* Keanu Reeves will be playing Archer.

* We were able to convince Bruce Campbell himself to take the role of Shirou!

* Tohsaka Rin will, of course, be played by the ever talented Megan Fox.

* I hired a team of skilled necromancers to use their dark arts to return Bela Lugosi from the dead to play a major role in the film. He'll be playing Issei.

* We've managed to convince Disney to lend us Justin Beiber to play the role of Illya. Still don't know why she seemed so upset when I told her what the role was. Silly girl even tried to convince me she was a man in a desperate attempt to get out of it. She shut up when I told her how much money she'd be making on this film.

* We had an award winning actor in mind for the role of Kotomine Kirie. This actor had read the VN and was willing to give a performance that showed just how well he understood the character. Unfortunately, he came down with a mysterious illness after reading the script; and asked that we get someone else for the role. Thankfully, we were able to find a replacement actor: Shaquille O' Neal! We're sure his presence will bring many people to this film! He's still popular enough to bring people into movie theatres, right?

* Jack Black as berserker! He seemed perfect for the role. We're currently rewriting the script to give him more lines.

* Will Smith as Assassin. I like to think he's turning a boring old Japanese samurai into an AWESOME character.

*Eddie Murphy as Zouken. Zouken in the novel was WAY too serious, so I thought Murphy would bring his unique brand of comedy to the character!

*John Wayne as True Assassin. He keeps trying to escape from the control of our necromancy department; but we think we should be able to keep him under our control long enough to shoot his scenes.

* Pamela Anderson is going to be playing Rider. My main reason for casting her was her large boobs amount of talent.

* Miley Cyrus will be playing Saber. We had to tone down the swordplay a bit since she can't swing a sword to save her life; and her contractual purity required us to tone down the violence and sexual undertones a bit; but it was worth it to have her....um... I guess she'll bring tweens in to see the movie?

* My girlfriend will be playing the role of Sakura. Don't worry, she's REALLY talented; this will be her first acting role!

How can you resist a movie with such an all-star cast? I'm sure this movie will be an even greater hit than Gobots 3: Light of the Sun. And if you still doubt that this is going to be the greatest movie ever, than all I have to say is this: GO TO HELL YOU FACIST-COMMUNIST BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY FISTS OF KILLING BITCHES! COME GET SOME!

Ahem....see you all on opening night!

In a world torn between Team Edward, and Team Jacob, I have one thing to say:

Go Team Godzilla

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