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Tales From The Riffkeeper

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20131015

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Tales From The Riffkeeper




Crypty: Hello Boils and Ghouls. Today we'll be looking at the delightfully horrid work of...hey? What are you doing in here? Get out before I...
 

 
 



The Vaultkeeper: I apologize for the disturbance; the Cryptkeeper is a bit tied up. -points to Crypty-

Crypty: -currently strapped to an operating table; with a several ton weight hanging above his head-

Vaulty: Today's experiment showcases the survival instincts of a Cryptkeeper caught in a trap!

I should have known you'd take over my MST as you did my show. You were always a bit of a HACKS-BEEN!

Vaulty: Yes, keep making those puns Cryptkeeper. For every second that you don't make some form of pun; the weight above your head will be lowered.

Crypty: Oh how very...DIE-abolical of you! You always do aim to CRUSH the competition.

Vaulty: Really, this is much more entertaining than the Cryptkeeper's attempts at an MST!

Crypty: Oh, you didn't like my MST? I'm always open to... CRYPTique.

Vaulty: You spent the whole thing making horror puns rather than pointing out the obvious flaws in the plot of the story. I would have at the very least pointed out the story's blatant failures!

Crypty: Oh, and you could do better? Well then, why don't you go ahead and take a STAB at it?

Vaulty: Very well. I suppose it shall keep me entertained whilst we wait for you to inevitably run out of puns.

Crypty: FLAT-chance.
 

 
Crypty: Ah yes, Camp Basil Bub. My old summer camp. That was one HELL of a summer. I certainly had a DAMNED good time. heheheheheheheheheh.
 
Vaulty: You can't help but admire the human ability to choose the worst possible locations for Halloween parties. Was the abandoned mansion that was previously owned by a serial killer; and built over an Indian Burial ground overbooked?
 

 
Crypty: Yeah, that'll really SLASH the prices. heheheheheheheheheheh!
 
Vaulty: One would expect this to bring an abrupt end to their camping trip...
 
 

 
Crypty: Forgot your chainsaw? Now that's just not going to CUT it. If you want to GUT anywhere in this business; you've got to be preSCARED! hehehehehehehehehehe!
 
Vault: Sacrifice a cat? How despicable! Why would anyone waste such perfectly good test subjects?
 
 

 
Crypty: No no no, you're doing it all wrong! You've got the timing down; but where's the oneliner?
 
Vaulty: I believe that WAS the oneliner. Or rather, the best this pathetic fool could think of.
 
Crypty: I could think of thousands of better oneliners than that! "Sorry kids, but a cat's not going to CUT it!" "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" "Look out kids; this is gonna be a real CATastrophe!"
 

 
Vaulty: It seems our murderer allowed the cat to escape. Perhaps he has a soft spot for cats?
 
Crypty: Yeah, but other than that he's a real BASTard! heheheheheheheheheheheh!
 

 
 
Vaulty: No wonder the devil wears a pumpkin over his head; he looks ridiculous!
 
Crypty: Now there's a face only a MONSTER could love.
 

 
Vaulty: If Chief Doughnut is their only hope; then the village is doomed.
 

 
Vaulty: Remember, children: if you pray on Halloween; then the devil himself will appear to devour you!
 
Crypty: What kind of creep stays home and prays on Halloween anyway? He missed one HELL of a party. Satan was really CUTTING loose! Everyone was really getting BUZZED! heheheheheheheheheheh!
 

 
Vaulty: If that is all that it takes to bring down the devil; then I fail to see why he should be feared.
 
Crypty: Satan should really watch his language. Guess he doesn't handle exorcism very well!
 

 
Vaulty: Satan attempted to murder you with a chainsaw last night; and THAT'S your only question?
 
Crypty: Guess blondy here has a one-HACK mind!
 

 
Vaulty: I see Satan decided to stick around; and follow the one person he hasn't killed yet.
 
Crypty: Well of course. He really is the STAR of the comic!
 
Vaulty:...
 
Crypty: Cause Lucifer. Lucifer is a star...SHUT UP I'M HIL-SCARE-IOUS!
 

 
Crypty: Guess Satan wasn't too happy when his old boss FIRED him. heheheheheheheheheh!
 
Vaulty: He's not doing a very good job of destroying mankind. In fact, all he's done is kill a few children with a chainsaw. That's not the work of the devil; that's the work of a madman with a chainsaw!
 
Crypty: Looks like Satan's received a sick BURN! heheheheheheheheheheheh!
 

 
Vaulty: Yes; clearly the one running around with a pumpkin-mask and a chainsaw is a MASTER of deception!
 
Crypty: Give him some credit. Nobody SAW that one coming!
 

 
Vaulty: Oh dear! Both fun and scary? This is clearly the work of the devil himself!
 
Crypty: Yes, if we're not careful, the boils and ghouls might just start enjoying themselves!
 
 

 
Vault: I wasn't aware the KKK was into Satanism.
 
Crypty: Ah yes, those spooky druids! Always roping kids in with their HORRORble holidays; like Halloween, Christmas, and Easter! Why can't they be sensible like those people who wear execution devices around their neck?
 

 
Vaulty: None of this is at all historically accurate!
 
Crypty: Now now, it's just a TERRORble comic. No need to point out all the anAXEcrhonisms!
 

 
Vaulty: So the best Satan's minions can do is spray graffiti all over the nearest wall?
 
Crypty: I guess they're fans of Dark Arts and crafts! hehehehehehehehehehe!
 
 
 
Vaulty: And if you still don't believe them, you can read "Twenty Reasons To Believe The Words of Chick" by Chick Publications.
 
Crypty: I didn't know Chick had so many payed SHRILLS to defend his DIE-atribes!
 
Vaulty: You'll run out of puns soon, Cryptkeeper.
 
Crypty: Really, any plan that requires me to run out of puns was doomed to fail. It's really all your...VAULT that I'm not crushed yet. heheheheheheheheheh
 

 
 
Vaulty: I'm inclined to agree with the nice horned fellow. I believe the comic has reached it's least interesting point. We have no need to read further.
 
Crypty: And miss the twist ending? 
 
Vaulty: What twist ending?
 
Crypty: This is horror; there's always a twist ending. -sees the machine start to move- I learned that from M. Night SCREAMINlan hehehehehehehehehehehe
 
Vaulty: Well played.
 

 
Vaulty: I'm still waiting for that twist ending, Cryptkeeper
 
Crypty: Oh, rest assured, the ending will be...TWISTED! heheheheheheheheheh!
 

 
Vaulty: It seems that you won't get your twist ending. Nor will you get any form of ending to the story. Though it does not matter; as you will soon be crushed; and the show will be mine! Your puns will run out any minute now...
 
Crypty: Oh my, it seems my hopes of a twist ending have been... utterly CRUSHED!
 
Vaulty: Any minute now.
 
Crypty: Uwe Bowel could come up with a better ending than that!
 
Vaulty: -checks watch-
 
Crypty: What an absolutely HORRORble story. 
 
Vaulty: -drums fingers on nearby desk-
 
Crypty: All that build up and no PAIN-off.
 
Vaulty: -so much facepalming-
 
Crypty: Makes First Bite look like a masterpiece by comparison. At least that was a story you could SINK YOUR TEETH INTO!
 
Vaulty: Well, children, it seems this experiment is a failure. All that has been proven today is that the Cryptkeeper will never run out of puns. In fact, he seems to have some form of irresistible compulsion to make them...
 
Crypty: Oh yes, it's just punacceptable behavior. I should be sent to the PUNgeon! heheheheheheheheheh!
 
Vaulty: -flips a switch on the Crusher-
 
Crypty: What's the matter Vaulty? Did you finally FLIP out? hehehehe.... -machine lowers- ...wuh?
 
Vaulty: For our next experiment; we shall see what happens when we set the machine to lower an inch every time the Cryptkeeper makes a pun!
 
Crypty: Oh dear, it seems I'm about to be PUNished -machine lowers again- for years of HORRORble -machine lowers again- puns! Looks like you'll have to tune in next time to see what happens. Ah yes, a good cliffhanger. Aren't they to DIE for? -machine lowers-

Vaulty: He doesn't stand a chance.

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