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What if Homestuck Trolls worked at Customer Services?

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What if Homestuck Trolls worked at Customer Services?

Post by Simply David on Sat 24 Jan 2015, 11:11 am

So, what happens when you take the trolls you meet in Homestuck and put them behind a text-only customer service program?

Yes I said text only! Basically it's like Pesterchum except for customers who need help with something. For my first few posts, it's going to be customers who are having trouble with their computers, but feel free to add your own logs where someone is needing help with something else, such as, I don't know, an internet provider or a mailing service. Anything!

This will be better if I ever figure out how to put color into spoilers. :V Also I apologize for any mistakes with the quirks. I wasn't smart enough to remember about quirk assist until I was finished with this lol.

Show ServiceLog:
correctCustomer has connected to carcinoGeneticist!

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
CC: Yeah, my main desktop's screen goes black when I turn it on sometimes.
CC: Any idea how to fix it?
CG: YEAH HANG ON.
CG: LET ME JUST PULL THE SOLUTION OUT OF MY METAPHORICAL NOOK.
CG: HERE YOU GO! DID YOU TRY UNPLUGGING IT AND PLUGGING IT BACK IN?
CC: Oh, uh, no I did not.
CC: Ok I tried it and the screen is black again.
CG: FUCKING WONDERFUL. ARE YOU EVEN PLUGGING IT INTO THE RIGHT SPOT?
CC: Well, the two big wires are pretty unique, they can't plug anywhere else.
CG: WAIT, TWO?
CC: Yes. There's these two big plugs that screw into the back of the computer.
CG: FUCK. EVERYTHING.
CG: YOU MORON, THE SECOND WIRE IS FOR A SECOND MONITOR. IT'S GOING BLACK BECAUSE IT THINKS YOU'RE PLUGGING IN A SECOND FUCKING SCREEN.
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE WHO MESSAGE ME ALWAYS HAVE THE DUMBEST FUCKING COMPLAINTS?
CG: DID I ANGER SOME SORT OF CUSTOMER SERVICE GOD? AM I FOREVER TO BE TORMENTED BY THE DUMBEST OF OUR CUSTOMERS?
CC: Well, excuse the fuck out of me.
CC: I'll be going now.
CG: OH PLEASE, DON'T LET ME HOLD YOU UP!

correctCustomer has disconnected from carcinoGeneticist

CG: WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR SERVICE HAVE TO NAME ALL THE CUSTOMERS AS CORRECT? WHO DECIDED CUSTOMERS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT?

Version two, this time with Feferi!

Show ServiceLog:
correctCustomer has connected to cuttlefishCuller!

CC: )(----ELLO!
CC: Hello. This is customer service right?
CC: Yep! Go a)(ead and state your problem!
CC: Right. Those names are confusing, but at least we're different colors.
CC: )(-E)(-E
CC: Well anyway. When I turn on my desktop sometimes the screen is black. Any ideas?
CC: Oo)(, that sounds T---ERRIBL-E! Let me see w)(at we can do.
CC: Alrig)(t, )(ow about you go a)(ead and turn the computer off for me ok? T)(en w)(en you turn it back on, tell me w)(at )(appens!
CC: Ok, gotcha.
CC: Alright, so when it turns on, I can hear the sound of it turning on and everything, and I'm even pretty sure that everything's working correctly except the visuals. I can't see the screen at all because it never even comes on. 
CC: Or well, the monitor is on but...
CC: W----ELL! I t)(ink I know youre problem! )(ow is it plugged in?
CC: Uh, both wires are plugged into the computer.
CC: A)(A! You only need ON----E OF THOS---E PLUGS!
CC: Oh, well, cool. That worked!
CC: Thanks a lot.
CC: My pleasure! 38D

correctCustomer has disconnected from cuttlefishCuller!

How about one more? 

Open ServiceLog:
correctCustomer has connected to grimAuxiliatrix

GA: Well It Is Nice To Speak With You Correct Customer How May I Help You
CC: My computer monitor is black when I turn it on. Any ideas why?
GA: Ah Yes That Does Sound Like A Bad Situation
CC: Uh, yeah it is. 
CC: Are you going to help me or...?
GA: Yes One Moment I Am Contacting My Supervisor For Guidance
GA: Ok He Says To Try Turning It On And Off Again
CC: Yeah I tried that but it keeps coming up black most of the time.
GA: Ok One Moment
CC: You say one moment then you're gone for like five minutes.
GA: Yes Sorry
GA: He Is Very Hard To Deal With Sometimes
GA: But He Knows Far More Than Me
CC: Then can I just speak with him?
GA: Are You Sure
GA: He Is Quite Difficult Sometimes
CC: You know what, yeah, I'm sure.
GA: Well Alright Hang On
TA: mother FUCK.
TA: why am ii the only per2on around here who know2 anythiing about computer2?
TA: whatever. ii don't really care. What do you want?
CC: Well, if you didn't already know, my computer monitor always goes black.
TA: 2ay no more. ii already fiigured out what the problem ii2 whiile you were typiing that becau2e unliike 2OME PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE
TA: ii actually know a thiing or two about what ii'm telliing people.
TA: ii al2o ju2t want you two know that iit'2 flatteriing how you're tryiing to have dualiity liike me with your plug2 but it'2 tiime to giive up the 2htiick.
TA: unplug one and go back to 2olo exii2tence.
CC: Oh, unplug one of the wires. Um, ok.
CC: Oh hey it worked! Thanks I guess.
TA: you're fuckiing welcome 'ii gue22'. 
TA: now fuck off.

correctCustomer has disconnected from grimAuxiliatrix

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Simply David
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