Hey Dad...

Of course not. Grandpa just recited the wrong spell, is all. I'm sure Agent Mulder will be here soon.

Hey Dad, a werewolf asked me if you had that sacrifice you promised him.

Tell him I ran away to Mexico.

Hey dad, do we still have that silver chainsaw?

Nope. I sold it so that I can pay for man-hookers.

Hey Dad, you didn't mess with a spell did you? Because you look a little bloated and you've been complaining about a sore back, swollen ankles, strange cravings, and morning sickness for the past five months.

Of course not. That's your MOTHER, dear. Poor girl, you and your amnesia.

Hey Dad, why did you lock uncle Fred in the basement?

Cause uncle Fred has, sadly, become a danger to himself and others. He's so far gone, he thinks that Vehicle Voltron is cooler than the original, and that Twilight is a wonderful novel with a likeable main character.

Hey dad, Fred's gone completely batshit insane on us since he saw that thing you summoned yesterday....

Look, it was just a video of me plowing a couple of... girls whilst I was drunk. He needs to get the hell over it.

Hey Dad, I must be the grandfather or something, so I'm talking to a dead person. Aren't I delightfully insane?

No. You're delightfully sane. Ghosts exist.

Hey dad, Big Foot kidnapped mom...

Well then, we must go fight to- waitaminute, I'm single now... excuse me while I find a bar.

Hey Dad, is it wrong if I find my cousin hot?

That depends how distant the cousin is.

Hey dad, my kid needs serious mental help.

HE needs mental help? I'm still not over that I'm a grandfather at 35. Seriously, I told you to use a condom.

Hey Dad, it looks like that businesswoman you invited for dinner is actually a nudist.

And that's a bad thing?

Hey dad, mom called. She said she's been kidnapped by a giant gorilla. Again.

*Sigh* get the hammer. I'll go put on some overalls and a cap.

Hey dad, the giant gorilla called. It's been kidnapped by mom. Again.

Ok, you call the family lawyer, I'll go rescue that poor gorilla.

Hey dad, my roommate tied me to a chair and said something about us being "united forever". He's holding a knife.

If I was religious I'd pray for your safety. Sadly, I am not religious so I won't pray for your safety. You're on your own.

Hey Dad, I was accosted in an alleyway by some sparkly dude and he bit me in the neck. Now I have this weird craving for blood and killing. What do I do?

Well, unfortunately, you've been bitten by a sparkly vampire. I'd advise suicide, but I don't believe in it, so, um....just try to resist the urge to fail at everything and chase teenage girls; and try to act as much like a REAL vampire as possible.

Hey dad, I'm trapped in a room with no weapons with hordes of demons outside.

Well, to me its seems that you have three options. 1) Get killed by the hordes of demons outside, 2) Stay in the room and starve to death, or 3) Swallow your tongue. Whatever you choose you're dead. Your choice.

Hey Dad, would you still love me if I'm gay?

Son......I am disapointed, i would have loved you still if you would have been Bi.

Hey Dad, what are the best choices to get a girl?