The Insane Adventures of Chainsaw Nun

Welcome to the Adventures of Chainsaw nun.

Your name, is Sister Christian, better known as the eponymous Chainsaw Nun. You are about 20 years old, and have blue eyes and blond hair. Though you usually act like a sweet, dumb blond; you are in fact very intelligent, and have dismembered many bloodthirsty demons from Hell itself, horrible things from the dark depths of the universe that defy explanation, and at least one telemarketer from Utah. (He had it coming; he took the Lord's name in vain)

You are the current wielder of the Holy Chainsaw of Righteous Asskicking; which gives you super-human speed while holding it, and cuts through anything. Because of this, you are often sent on missions by the church to either exterminate evil monsters, find holy artifacts, or to do whatever else the Church Secret Special Ops Division believes they need you to do.

However, you haven't had a mission for quite some time now. Perhaps nothing strange has happened, or they decided to send someone else to hunt down King Solomon's porn stash, or perhaps they were angry about your battle with Mecha Miko in which you damaged a seal that summoned the Dark Lord F'fuguesmeyor to this world.

The Vatican just didn't understand that, as eternal rivals, you and the miko are required to battle for supremacy! You can't back down from a challenge from that smug, annoying, sexy, rude bitch! Besides, you killed F'fuguesmeyor before it could bring forth magma from deep within the Earth's core to burn humanity, so no harm done, right?

Wrong! Your superiors threw a hissy fit and yelled many things that high ranking members of the clergy probably aren't allowed to say, then threatened to excommunicate you if you ever did something so stupid again.

So now you're back in the abbey, bored out of your mind. However, there is hope that you'll recieve a mission soon. Afterall, it's only a matter of time before the Church needs something horrifying and dangerous to be dealt with. Then they will call for you, and your chainsaw will once again taste delicious blood.

At the moment, you hear two other nuns talking, and one of them says the words "Horrible monster" and "ripped to pieces!"

This could be the incident that you're waiting for! However, the other nuns tend to avoid talking to you whenever possible, and have an even more annoying tendency to stop talking to eachother when you're around. Probably has something to do with your tendeny to carry your chainsaw everywhere; or your tendency to sleep with your chainsaw, or those SLANDEROUS RUMORS that you occasionally talk dirty to it.

Whatever the case, you probably won't get much more information if you just walk up to them and ask what they're talking about.

What shall you do....

(((Same rules as Adventures of Wriggle Nightbug. Give commands to the Chainsaw Nun by typing "> (insert your command here)" I withhold the right to ignore your command if it's too out of character. So yeah. Enjoy))

>Eavesdrop on them

>Slice them to pieces.

(KIDDING!)

>Jump to the ceiling, listening from there while hanging upside down so that they don't see you as you're up and nobody ever~* looks up.

>Eavesdrop on them

That sounds like a good idea.

But how are you going to get close enough to better hear the conversation?

>Slice Them to pieces!

You love that idea; the mysterious voices in your head always give you the best ideas. You've got super speed, they'll never see you coming.

But alas, you're pretty sure murdering your sisters is against your vows, and it won't get you the information you need.

>Jump to the ceiling, listening from there while hanging upside down so that they don't see you as you're up and nobody ever~* looks up.

Another genious idea by from the head voices! You immediately take their advice, only to remember that you're not Spider-man just in time to hit your head on the ceiling and fall back to the ground.

You land on your ass, as luck would have it. Luckily, you aren't hurt, though your butt is rather sore.

Perhapse there is another way to get close to them?

> Put on a janitor disguise.

> Hide behind a pillar that is closest to them.

>Put on a Janitor disguise

That makes sense; surely a Janitor disguise would work in a convent with no Janitors!

Unfortunately, the pair of janitor-clothes you keep around for just such an occasion are in the wash, so that plan is out.

>Hide behind a nearby pillar

Using your amazing stealth skills, you manage to get close enough to a nearby pillar, and hide behind it.

From there you can overhear the conversation.

"....and it was killed by that shrine maiden with the giant robot,"

You get an urge to shout many curse words that nuns probably shouldn't say.

"....but then why did the attacks continue after that?"

"Well, you see, it turns out, there were two monsters...."

Figures; stupid shrine maiden screwed up. This doesn't suprise you at all. You grin, thinking of how embarrassed the Shrine Maiden will be when you find and kill the second monster.

".....but then the Shrine Maiden found and killed the other one..."

SONOVA....

"....but they still haven't found out what was controlling them,"

"Oh my, that doesn't sound very good..."

"Hah! I KNEW THAT MIKO-BITCH COULDN'T HANDLE MISSIONS! SHE SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT TO THE PROFESSIONALS!" you proclaim.

The two nuns stare at you; your cover is blown....

> Pretend you were sleep walking and sleep talking

> Knock them out and take them back to their rooms.

>Pretend to be possessed by a demon, so that the nuns will proceed to exorcise the demon from you. Afterward, use the words the "demon" supposedly spoke as incriminating proof that the Miko is working with the demons, thus giving the Vatican a reason to let you and the Miko settle your battle once and for all.

>Pretend you were sleep walking and sleep talking.

You aren't sure how sleep walkers behave, so you close your eyes, hold your arms in front of you, and moan while moving forward with an exaggerated stagger.

"....are you supposed to be a zombie?" said one of the nuns. "Cause I'm not seeing it,"

>Knock them out and take them back to their rooms.

That could work! You have super speed, so they wouldn't be able to dodge, or run away....theres the chance that one of them will get severe brain damage due to prolonged state of unconciousness, but they're nuns! They have god looking out for them, so that's unlikely.

You run forward and pinch both of their necks. However, they remain concious, shattering your faith in Star Trek. They both give you odd looks.

Just as you're considering using a karate chop to knock them out instead, another idea occurs to you.

>Pretend to be possessed by a demon, so that the nuns will proceed to exorcise the demon from you. Afterward, use the words the "demon" supposedly spoke as incriminating proof that the Miko is working with the demons, thus giving the Vatican a reason to let you and the Miko settle your battle once and for all.

Yes. A chance to throw off suspicion AND get the Vatican's blessing to kick some Miko ass. This is your best idea all day!

Surely your amazing acting skills shall fool them!

You quickly shout all the quotes you can think of to make them think you're demonically possessed.

"I WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL! ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JOHNNY A DULL BOY! BP: WE CARE!"

You also make faces at them and pretend to speak in tounges.

Judging by the horrified looks on their faces, they seem convinced. They then react in the way that they would be expected to act in such a situation: they turned tail and ran.

"LORD DELIVER US ALL! CHAINSAW NUN IS POSSESSED! CHAINSAW NUN IS POSSESSED!"

Ah oh. They're running in the direction of the Mother Superior's quarters. In fact, she's probably already heard them yelling and is on her way. She probably even has the ruler....oh lord deliver you if she has the ruler.

You have every reason to fear the Mother Superior; she may act like a sweet old lady; but back in the day, she was the Vatican's top asskicker. And that was when the previous owner of the Holy Chainsaw of Righteous Asskicking was still around.

The only reason the Vatican even needs a whole division of fighters is because the Mother Superior decided not to take missions anymore.

The Mother Superior once fought Chuck Norris. To this day, Chuck Norris still huddles in the fetal position and cries at the sight of a ruler.

Since the Mother Superior was never really all that good at Excorsisms, her reaction if she thinks you're possessed will be to beat you to within an inch of you life, restrain you, and send for an excorsist. If she thinks you were eavesdropping when you were supposed to be cleaning the latrines; and pretended to be possessed, her reaction will be to leave out the part about sending for an excorsist.

Oh, did I mention she could fly? Cause she can. She still hasn't told you how she does that; all you know is that she needs a running start, and that she has to keep moving when she's in the air or she'll fall. That doesn't help you as she can kick your ass on the ground or in the air, but it might be useful to know later.

What do you do now?

> Um.. run?

>> Say "Oh, hey look! I'm all better now! No need for someone to beat me within an inch of my life with a ruler!"

> Um... run?

You turn and run away as quickly as possible...only to run into a wall right behind you. Panic and super-human speed are never a good combination.

You look back to see the Mother Superior flying towards you; and say some more words that nuns probably aren't supposed to say.

>Say "Oh, hey look! I'm all better now! No need for someone to beat me within an inch of my life with a ruler!"

You say exactly that, exclamation points included.

The Mother Superior stops with her ruler an inch from your face; her feet gently hitting the ground as she does so.

"So, if you are no longer possessed," she said. "Where is the demon?"

> Point at the nearest person and say "The demon's now possessing him/her!"

>Randomly point around, and convince the others to send you to woodbridge whatever mental institution there is.
(Woodbridge is a rather infamous mental institution in S'pore.)

April Fools!



David

GDI SPIDEY! UPDATE THIS THING ALREADY!

>> No mental institution
>> Say that you slayed it with the AWESOME MIGHT OF YOUR BRAIN POWER!

> Point at the nearest person and say "The demon's now possessing him/her!"

That sounds like a good idea; but when you look around for possible victims, you notice that the other nuns have vacated the area. Damn those other nuns and their good survival instincts.

>Randomly point around, and convince the others to send you to woodbridge whatever mental institution there is.

That's a genious idea! But they woulfdn't let you use your chainsaw in a mental institution. And noone is taking away your Holy Chainsaw of Righteous Asskicking; as it is...precious to you.


>> Say that you slayed it with the AWESOME MIGHT OF YOUR BRAIN POWER!

"I slew it with the awesome might of my brain power!" you say, to the Mother Superior.

She raises an eyebrow at you; apparently not buying it. Which is odd, because you TOTALLY have awesome brain power...right?

"Care to elaborate how you did that?" she asks.

"I....um....swung the chainsaw at myself," you say. "I was gonna use it to heroically sacrifice myself and kill the demon; but it can apparently slice through a demonically possessed person and only hurt the demon cause it's...um....holy and magical and stuff,"

You seriously hope she buys that story.

"Well," said the Mother Superior. "It DOES have that power. I saw your predecessor use that ability many times, though I did not believe that you were on that level yet,"

You can't believe that lie actually worked; more importantly, you can't believe the chainsaw actually had that ability. The damned things been holding out on you; what a rip.

"In any case, you're relieved of chores for the rest of the day," says the Mother Superior.

This is turning out to be the best day ever! You managed to get away with pretending to be possessed and lying to the Mother Superior's face; AND you get to skip chores for the rest of the day. You can't believe how good your luck is today.

"....as I think you'll want to get right to work on your report," says the Mother Superior.

"Report? What report?" you ask.

"Write down everything you experienced while possessed; and fill up at least three pages," said the Mother Superior. "Possessing demons are such a nuisance to the church; you should share any information you have that could make fighting them easier,"

Great. A report. Wonderful. You doubt you can weasle out of this one; afterall, she already suspects you're lying to her.

>> Try to get on a mission so that you don't have to do the report

>> Search earlier report of possessed and read their experiences f being possessed and copy the feelings

>>Continue heading to woodbridge

>Try to get on a mission so that you don't have to do the report.

You've been trying to get on a mission for months now; but it's easier said than done. The people that actually assign you with your missions are a long distance away, and usually send someone to pick you up if they need you for anything.

Unless someone walks through the door and declares that the Vatican needs your help for a dangerous mission in the next couple of minutes; you're probably going to have to do the report.

> Search earlier report of possessed and read the experiences of being possessed and copy the feelings

That sounds like a good idea...but it also sounds like alot of work; especially when you can probably just make stuff up.

> Continue heading to Woodbridge

You have no idea where this "woodbridge" place is, or why your head voices seem to think you're heading there.

However, you're pretty sure that if you did run away to wherever this place was; the Mother Superior would track you down, drag you back, and make you do an even LONGER report.

You sigh in defeat.

"Ok, I'll get started on that report then," you say.

However, you're interrupted by an extremely loud voice from outside.

"KUNG FU....."

"Oh no; not again..." said the Mother Superior, as she covers her face in her hand.

"PUNCH!"

The doors to the abbey are shattered, sending splinters and chips of wood all over the place. Standing in the doorway is a Father Johnson; the priest who is usually sent to inform you that the Vatican has a mission for you.

"SISTER CHRISTIAN! THE VATICAN HAS A DANGEROUS MISSION OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE FOR YOU!" he declares.

> Accept the mission immediatly

>> What the other voice said.

> Accept the mission immediatly

"I accept this mission!" you say, as quickly as possible.

"Then we must leave right away!" said Father Johnson. "NO time to....YEEAAAARGH!"

At that point, the Mother Superior happened to be pressing one of his pressure points with her ruler, causing him quite a bit of pain.

"Hello, Father Johnson. It's good to see you again, but please stop punching my door down every time you come to visit," she said, in a sweet, cheerful voice.

"Y-yes ma'am," said Father Johnson, as the Mother Superior withdrew the ruler.

"Well, you two had best be on your way then," she said. "Good luck on your mission; I expect that report when you get back,"

You nod, and follow Father Johnson outside, where there's a limo waiting. Once inside, Father Johnson begins debriefing you.

"Most of the Holy Weapon wielders have gone missing over the course of the last week," said Father Johnson. ""The Sniper Rabbi, the Machine Gun Mullah, the Flail Monk, and Katana Wiccan have all gone missing,"

"Holy shit," you say. "So, whose left?"

He sighs.

"You and the Mecha Miko are the only ones who haven't gone missing," he said.

>> Ask about what information is available about why they've gone missing.

>> Ask about what information is available about why they've gone missing.

You take the advice of the totally trustworthy voices in your head, and ask Father Johnson for more information.

"No idea why they've gone missing. We do know, however, that each of them disappeared on a monday," said Father Johnson.

"Wait, that means you've known they've been disappearing for weeks and haven't contacted me?" you say.

"wasn't my decision; it was the higher ups," said Father Johnson. "They weren't sure this wasn't a coincidence until about the third one went missing,"

"Dumbass higher ups," you say.

"You're talking about people appointed by the holy church to run things," said Father Johnson.

"I'm talking about dumbasses!" you say, rather loudly. "Is there any fricking order in which these people are going missing?"

"Well, yes, there is an order," says Father Johnson. "It seems that the one with the most experience with their weapons went first. Going in that order, you will probably be next, followed by the Shrine Maiden,"

"Ah, so what's the mission exactly?" you ask.

"Your mission is to, um...lure whatever is attacking the weilders to a location where a group of skilled Templar agents can defeat it. If it shows up," says Father Johnson.

You groan. The Templars? Seriously? You seriously dislike the Templars. For those not in the know, the templars are a group of the church's 50 best warriors. At least, in theory. In practice, they're a bunch of redshirts who think they're unstoppable badasses.

"Those losers?" you say. "I would be so much better off if you'd left me at the convent. The Mother Superior could take on all fifty of those goddamned redshirts in a matter of seconds,"

"I have to agree with you there," said Father Johnson. "But orders are orders,"

"What about the mecha Miko? Whose to say whatever is doing this isn't going to decide to skip over me and go after her instead?" you say.

While you and the mecha miko aren't the best of friends, you wouldn't be happy to see her go mysteriously missing. She's your eternal rival, afterall, and you can't let her get herself injured or killed before you prove yourself to be the greater warrior.

"Two of the templars were sent to guard her," said Father Johnson. "Though she has been a cooperative ally in the past; the higher ups feel that protecting you is a priority,"

Once again, your superiors have made you wonder if you should seek a change of religion. Will you obey their orders and go to where the Templars are? Or are you in an insubordinate mood today?

>Better obey since they are bit edgy now about property damage you caused in last mission.

> Obey, but be very childish about it.