Space Pirates: Piracy IN SPACE!

Deep in the depths of space, a crew of pirates wanders through the infinate nothing in search of life....that they can rob blind.

After surviving years of war, Captain Jill Lamport and her crew returned home, only to find that they had outlived their usefulness, and that the goverment wanted them dead. And so, they ran....but were quickly captured, and all were executed save for a few.

However, Jill and her surviving comrades managed to steal an experimental ship known only as the Penetrator, with the ability to travel through a bizarre dimention known only as "Random Space".

With this new ship, they fled the human empire, and headed into the depths of space, to begin their new life of piracy.

Now, five years later, they're the second (or possibly third) most feared group of space pirates in the galaxy (or possibly the Solar System); pursued by the ruthless human empire which some of them used to serve; accused of a crime they did not commit, along with several more, much more serious crimes that they actually did commit.

This is where our story begins!

Xgykjll sighed as he scrubbed the walls, mopped the floor, dusted a bookshelf, a desk, and a nightstand, and read a magazine all at once.

He usually didn't clean people's rooms personally, but Captain Jill's was an exception. Because apparently she had the authority to shoot him out the air lock if he did not comply.

Go figure.

Drake - or Dee as he wanted everyone to call him - and Bloop were in the bridge, doing routine things for the ship's controls. Or at least Bloop was doing routine things while Dee sat back filing his nails.

"You know Bloop, this ship is a sexual innuendo," Dee said conversationally. "The Penetrator going through deep, dark, unexplored space." He grinned lecherously. "Like a virgin touched for the very first time, right?"

Bloop rolled her eyes and shot out some warbled sounds, not looking at her co-pilot as he tentacles pushed some buttons. Dee pouted and resumed filing his nails.

"I know you've heard the joke a thousand times, but you also know I only say it when I'm bored." He inspected his nails and blew on them. "Wonder when Jill will get here?"

Bloop warbled, which was interpreted as a sigh, and she went back to work, not minding that Dee was being lazy as usual.

"You seriously need more material, Dee," said Jill, from the doorway to the control room.

Xgykjll sighed as he closed the door to Jill's room, now finished cleaning it. He looked down a moment, and saw bloody footprints on the ground, and followed them in the direction they were heading.

He noticed General Beep turning the corner. "Oh damn it Beep, I told you not to practice mauling live animals on the ship!" The Alagorothian shook his head. He never understood the cyborg's fascination with internal organs.

Xgykjll began to clean up the footprints. He began to question why he'd agreed to be the janitor.

"WHOA!!!" Nikki shouted as she slipped on something red on the floor. She slammed into the wall and fell to the floor. "Ouchies," she said as she rubbed her arm. She looked around to see if anyone had noticed her latest accident. She spotted Xgykjll and laughed nervously. "Hi there." She smiled. "Um.. what is that stuff?" she asked while indicating what Xgykjll was cleaning up.

"That? That's blood." Xgykjll said, continuing to clean it up. "Beep has some kind of obsession with figuring out how different animal species work, so he cuts them open. Honestly, I keep telling him not to, but I don't think he even hears me."

"B-blood?" Nikki went several shades paler. She laughed nervously again before slumping against the wall in silence.

"Yes. You know, the stuff that runs through biological organisms? Liquid of life? That sort of thing?" He shook his head. "I just wish Beep wouldn't track it all over the place."

"Yeah, I know what it is," she said quietly. "I guess it would be nice if he was cleaner." She stood up and turned to leave. "I need something to drink. I'll be in the kitchen," she muttered.

Balrog was in the kitchen, singing away in his drastically deep voice as he made some food. "Scraps fer all the scurvy ridden pirates of the sea~" he was singing one of his favorite pirate Songs.

"Out there on the Star Ocean one will find the food fer scalawags and butchers-" he continued singing as he broke several eggs at once with his cybernetic arm.

"Jill!" Dee cried, jumping up from his seat and grinning at the captain. "Well, it's a good thing that I have no ambitions whatsoever to be a stand-up comedian."

Bloop warbled a few words and Dee whirled about to glare at her. "I'm funny! It's a gay trait to be hilarious!"

Again, Bloop rolled her eyes before greeting Jill with a nod and some warbling. Dee pouted and sat back in his chair with a huff, idly pushing some buttons.

Nikki entered the kitchen and smiled when she heard the singing. "Hi Balrog! How are you?" she asked happily.

Balrog smiled and welcomed Nikki, "I'm doing fine, just making some food fer the crew," as he poured the eggs into a few containers.

He then pulled out several various things: A cucumber, a carrot, a few various fruits from other planets, and his cybernetic arm opened up into several blades, cutting through each rapidly.

"And how are you, lass?" He asked as he cut.

"I'm good! I'm surprised I actually found my way to the kitchen this time," she said with a sheepish grin. She watched him prepare the food and suddenly had an idea. "Hey, can I help you? It looks like fun."

"Oh? Are you any good at cooking?" He asked, and experimentally tossed her a big spoon.

Nikki moved to catch it, but it hit her on the head instead. "Ouchies," she said while laughing. She picked it up and smiled. "I've never really had an opportunity to cook before. Who knows, though? I might be a natural."

Balrog shrugged with his eyes closed, before opening only his cybernetic eye and smiled showing his gold tooth, "Alright, let's see what ya got,"

"I think I know where our next attack is going to be," said Jill. "We're going after the military ship known as the Phallic Invader. I know it's a large, well armed target, but it's one the military certainly won't be expecting us to attack,"

"Thank you so much!" Nikki moved next to Balrog and picked up a knife. "Want me to cut something?" she asked with a grin.

"Well," Balrog said uncomfortably, "sure, why not? Not as if you could cut me doing it..." He handed her some strange fruit and said, "Be sure to cut away from yerself, a'ight?"

"Alright!" She held the fruit in place with one hand and held the knife in her other. She was happy that she finally had a chance to cook. All of her friends back home could cook well. She was sure she would be able to as well. She closed her eyes and started humming while she cut. 'This isn't too hard. It's sort of like-' She opened her eyes and stared at her hands. "Balrog... I think I messed up," she said quietly as she held up her bleeding hand.

She quickly put her hand down. "I mean.. What? Oh, just ignore what I said," she said with a nervous laugh. "I'll just go wash the blood off in the sink." She turned to go with the knife still in her hand, but she tripped over her own feet and fell over. The knife flew out of her hands in Balrog's direction.

"Watch out!" Balrog shouted, as if it wasn't him in danger. He reached up with his cyborg arm and caught it, and put it down on the counter near him.

"Hey, kid, didn't your mother teach you not to run with knives?" He said, looking at her sternly as he grabbed a clean rag to clean her hand with.

"I'm sorry," Nikki said with tears in her eyes. "I'm such a klutz."

Dee snickered at the name of the ship but before he could say anything Bloop whacked him the head with a tentacle.

"Ow! What?!" he whined, pouting at the blob who warbled a sentence or two. "I didn't even say anything, jeez..."

Bloop glared at Dee in warning and then turned to Jill to warble a few questions. "When and where to Captain? And what about briefing the crew?"

Balrog waved his normal hand, though for a 'normal' hand it was rather large, "Bah, forget it. My fault for thinking you can use a knife," he got the rag wet and wrapped it around her hand.

He's the kinda guy who wouldn't admit it, but he was a little worried for her. He also wondered for a moment how it is she was a pirate and this clumsy...

"Where's that tin-can? He cut up my cow!" The Professor called, holding his omnidriver up. His anger didn't show on his face, but a maniacal grin did, as the omnidriver emitted a yellow, crackling light, which went for about half a foot.

He struck a nearby blender with the light. The blender shook a little, and then stopped. "Back to the drawing board then!" He shouted cheerfully, before propelling the cylindrical object with bits sticking out at the robot. Then, a red light burned through the myriad or masking tape. The heat from the light frazzled the tool, causing a poof of smoke, but, nevertheless, it continued through the air.

"Well, I figure if we go through random space again, and come out near the center of the Totally Safe Nebula; we'll be ready to ambush them the moment they come out of the wormhole," said Jill.

Dee swiveled in his chair and faced his control panel. "If that's an order Cap'n, then we're obliged to follow it," he said, pressing the intercom button that would project his voice throughout the ship.

"Attention crew, prepare for random space jump. Repeat, prepare for random space jump."

He turned the intercom off and turned to Bloop, who was busy typing in coordinates.

"I wonder who gives names to these places?" he wondered out loud. "Totally Safe Nebula? Seriously?"

Bloop just warbled noncommittally.

"I'm sorry," Nikki mumbled. "And thank you for helping me." She sighed and watched Balrog fix up her hand, wishing she wasn't such a danger to everyone around her. 'Starting first thing tomorrow, I'll work on being less of a problem.' She looked up at Balrog's face. "Do you want me to help you finish making the food?"