So I heard mocking people's literary work had become quite popular. I like mocking people sometimes. You can probably see where this is headed~

I sure hope li'l Patch doesn't mind me entering her library and borrowing her cool little computer. The passwords and magic enchantments were a bit too weak for me to think there's anything serious she wants hidden anyway~

Okay, so as you all know, I am Yuuka Kazami~ Humble Flower Youkai. And I already found a bunch of silly little stories based on Gensokyo. All of which clearly have a fondness for ignoring facts.

First one on my list, 'Touhou Fate'... will not be written by me, since it's already on Patchy's list~ Which, by the way, I found after coming across a certain folder filled with more erotic fiction. Wish I had my own computer to copy this stuff to ^.^ Ah well. Just know that this fic involves me losing badly, which as you all know, is so far from impossible it can actually drive people insane from the mere idea. Try suggesting it to your friends. Blow their minds~

So, what we shall start with instead is 'All Hell in Gensokyo'. Despite the title, I assure you I do not go on a killing spree~ Those are pretty boring now.

In the vast lands of Gensokyo… wait, before I start, I would like to announce a number; 001. There, I feel better. Now I will start again…

Oh how I wish this made the slightest bit of sense <:-(

In the vast lands of Gensokyo there were many odd and fascinating things.

To the point that it becomes impossibly mundane, really~ By the way, I feel like a lot of these fan fics start with 'Gensokyo is totally weird, man' sentences.

For instance, there are demons and vampires and shrine maidens (well, one).

Two on my last count, actually.

This was a place of only women

Oh come now, just because I forgot to let the majority of Gensokyo's male population out of my basement doesn't mean they don't exist XD Silly author~

with magic power that could fly and shoot energy from their hands (seriously, I couldn't make that up),

Which says a lot of your capacity for imagination.

but that was nothing compared to the horror that was going to befall them.

But I'm not planning anything 0.o

Not even the great and mighty powers they possess could protect them from… the General.

That's not one of my nicknames. Just some other random idiot then~

It was mild spring day in #$%, Japan.

I can't tell if the Outside World became more creative with their names or if language regressed to guttural sounds that coincidentally sound like symbols. Either way, it is a silly name.

The grass was green, the trees were full of fruit, and there was a vast crowd of army people lined up

For those of low and above intelligence, the preferred term is 'soldiers'~

looking as though they were about to march. In the front of the crowd there was a tall boy wearing a US army uniform.

As opposed to his elaborate and cute dress that really accentuated how unique his design was~ Oh, quickie-wickie question! Why would a Japanese soldier wear a US army uniform?

He looked young, about seventeen or so, too young to be in the army. He was smiling, as though he found something important.

No doubt he's really six kajillion years old and all powerful as well :3

"All right men, we found it." The boy said excitedly.

"Umm, Mr. General, sir, what did we find?" a soldier asked.

"Ahhhh, you lowly foot soldier," he started,

Hahaha, what an unlike-able little piece of bad writing this character is~

"we found the gate to another country, to another world, even. The Gen…..Uhhhh."

And he can't even remember simple little names. Oh, should I introduce him to Toyosatomimi Miko? I'd love to see his brain melt~

"The Gen… what?" the soldier asked.

"The Gens… I forgot." He said with a devious smile.

To the General's dismay, he forgot the name of the place.

devious smiles are always a sign of great dismay, yes.

"You forgot!" the soldier yelled. He was so angry that he picked up his rifle and smacked the General in the side of the face with it.

I have honestly never seen a bigger overreaction in my life. And I have lived for a helluva long time, mind you.

The General was taken aback by the hit in the face, but to all of the soldiers' surprise, he was perfectly fine.

Hm, I wonder if he's really human?~

"Whoa, that was weird, why'd you hit me?" the General asked with a perplexed look on his face.

"I-I-I don't know." the soldier said. "Wait. I just hit you as hard as I could with my rifle and you don't have even a bruise."

Humans don't know how weak they really are, it seems. Nice to know he's completely aware how utterly stupid the author's decision to attack was, though.

"Oh, that's to be expected, I was in NAVY." The General said proudly.

"What…" the soldier said.

"Yep, I was a NAVY member" he said.

"You were in the Navy?" the soldier asked.

"Not the Navy, NAVY." The General explained. "It's an organization were I studied black magic. I can see how you would get that confused."

Protip, Unlike-able person: Acronyms mean nothing if we don't know the full title~

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, like we're supposed to believe you know black magic." The soldier rolled his eyes and went back in line.

Ooooh, he totally dissed magic, he's gonna get proven wrong in such an epically civil manner!~

The General stood there and held his hands together as if he was praying, then he separated his hands snapped his fingers. All of a sudden everyone's gun set fire. All of the soldiers yelped in fright and frantically tried to put out there guns.

Excellent job disarming your entire platoon to prove a point~ Since I assume you'll attempt to invade Gensokyo - which isn't located behind a gate you silly person - you've completely destroyed any chance of your soldiers getting, like, one shot in before they get decimated XD

The General walked over to the soldier and said, "you were saying?"

Well, he might know Black Magic, but does he know WHITE Magic?!

...Dunno, the whole story ends here. No doubt all zero readers of this story are glad~

Well, that was delightfully bad. Clearly, this author has no idea what Gensokyo is~ And General is a hilariously bland and definitely overpowered character.

Well, brb, I think I hear little Koa coming~